I had to get back to confession someday.
I knew that I had been weak again – but for now I had to focus on the present. I needed to stop myself from constantly shoveling sin upon sin, like smouldering ashes.
Sins were so easy for me to commit – It seemed that I sinned easier than anyone I knew. I could always come up for a reason for my siblings, that I knew that they had not sinned – Maybe they lacked the intentions, maybe they thought of it differently than I did, or maybe they were just stronger than me. All I knew was that it seemed in just about every choice there was a sin, or a pure act with no moral consequence.
I did not want to waste my life sinning, and burying my soul. I wanted to remain vigilant, and keep from ever doing anything like I had done with the fools gold ever again. I didn’t want to steal. I didn’t want to be a thief. I didn’t want to die in sin and spend eternity in Hell. I just wanted to be sure that when I died , I would know that I was ready, and that I would go to heaven.
Images of hell and eternal torment motivated me when I felt like getting sloppy again – just living day to day – complacent with no thought about sin. I could so easily wind up in hell if I stopped making good decisions in every moment. I had to keep thinking about it, I had to watch every move, I had to be sure that I would save my own soul because I knew that no one else could save it for me.
I started realizing that I had been committing sins my whole life. I had eaten food that my parents bought without asking them – I had turned the lights on and used the power at the house without asking their permission, I had used water senselessly wasting my parents money.
I was embarrassed when I first started asking my parents if I could turn a light on , but I started getting better and better and getting permission to turn a light on without directly asking my parents. I would walk into a room and start doing my school work in the dark, until my parents would come in and ask me why I was working in the dark. If they said that – I knew that I had permission , but until then I would rather work in the dark than to go to Hell.
To me ten minutes in the dark was not worth eternal damnation. I knew that this life was only temporary. We are meant to suffer, to keep from sinning, and to get to heaven. I didn’t care how much I was inconvenienced, how embarrassed I became, or how much I didn’t fit in. I had to keep from sinning, and I was going to put in all the effort and make it to heaven.
This was the most important thing to me in my life – and I was not going to sacrifice my soul’s salvation just because it was easy.
I had taken the easy way so many other times. I was not going to do it any more.