I sat on the sand … the warm sun on my skin .. my hair crisp and dripping with the salt water.
My cheeks burned as usual – I always burned my cheeks at the beach.
I watched everyone else having fun – talking to my parents, digging holes in the sand, running to the ocean with boogie boards, but I was just thinking. I was replaying the events in my mind over and over. I felt sick to my stomach knowing that I was a thief.
Not only was I a thief, but a cowardly thief.
I kept trying to find a way out of it.. Maybe I was okay because I let the fools gold fall to the ground. Maybe I was okay because I was only seven… Maybe I was okay because I was thinking about it so much right now … maybe this was my penance.. or maybe I was just going to have to tell this sin to a priest.. but how can I do that?
Fear consumed me at the thought of having to tell another person. I was shy – how could I tell a grown stranger my horrible sin? Fear consumed me at the thought of telling any one – or of just ignoring it. I knew that there was no easy way out of this but I continued to think .. Maybe it wasn’t really a sin. I didn’t take it with me.. I didn’t enjoy it by any means.
My mind went over so many what if’s and maybe’s. I tried to play with my siblings and forget it.. but the thought was constantly on my mind , robbing me of my beach trip, minute by minute and hour by hour.
I was dreading Sunday.
I knew that I had to make a decision before Sunday: If this had been a sin .. or hadn’t it.
I had to make a decision before Sunday .. I knew that.
I will think about this until Sunday – I thought to myself .. and after that I will be okay. I decided that until Sunday all I could do is try to keep from stealing anything else, or doing anything else that is really wrong.
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Later that evening as the sun set , my family went for a walk on the beach and I came with.
I started to collect shells along the way as I always did. As I walked along, finally feeling like I was enjoying myself, a thought entered my mind just like an intruder would invade your home.
The thought was so unwelcome, and so upsetting , and to me a bit strange..
“what is different about collecting seashells, than stealing the fools gold” my mind said to me.
“I don’t know that there is a difference.”
“What if someone owns this land and I am taking their property?”
“The only thing I know for sure is that the beach does not belong to me.”
I looked at my small tanned hands stuffed full of seashells. I had found some really good ones today.
“Would I really deny God because I wanted to look at a pretty shell?” I thought to myself.
“I’m tired of holding these” I said to my siblings as I let my seashells fall into the sand. I felt a pang of childlike sadness, knowing that sooner or later I wouldn’t be able to find my seashells again.
As I walked I could see my brother and my sisters sorting through my shells. My oldest sister said to me , “Dot, you could have put them in my bucket!” I just walked on feeling the pain inside for letting go of something I loved so much. I looked ahead and realized that I could never collect shells again without being sure that I wasn’t doing something wrong.
Little did I know that this would be the first of thousands of things I would give up, just to be sure.
spottiedottie485 